Dianne Portwood: An accident crushed her olympian dreams, it recreated who she is.

Dianne Portwood is a self-made recognized artist.  Her paintings can be found all over South Florida, London, Paris, and Munich.  It didn't start that way though, Dianne is a national USA team gold medal winner and a Rio Olympics aspiring athlete who had to leave her dreams behind after an accident with her horse.  When her life was at the very bottom, she found a passion for arts, creating a thriving business and has become more aware of her self than ever before.  

Transcript

Dianne Portwood  00:02

Thank you so much for having me.

Lorena  00:08

tell us and tell everybody a little bit about who you are. And you know, what, what are you up to today?

Dianne Portwood  00:17

so I'm Dianne Portwood. I run Dianne Portwood arts, it's big. You know, I do the freelance artist thing full time, which is not something I would have ever thought I would have done like five years ago, if you ask me that was not on my radar. And it's something I started out of a little trailer home and make an op Florida. And, you know, now I'm based out of South Florida. And I have a house that I also use as my studio house. It's not on wheels anymore. Moving On Up in the world. Yeah, this art thing really, since I decided to make the move to South Florida has completely taken off. Um, I do mural work. That's been a big thing this year that's taken off, which is so exciting, because I've always wanted to do that. And the hardest part about that is getting your first big mural because you basically have to get the client to be like, Okay, I know, you've never done this before, but I trust you can do it. Um, and then up until that point, my main thing has been producing originals made of acrylic spray paint resin and led that was kind of the big thing that helped my career take off was incorporating my farm work background and actually doing like full mixed media pieces and build the panels myself. I installed led myself and make some of the LED myself and wire it. Um, and yeah, the it's been really exciting to watch people connect with art in a way that I didn't think people would. It's pretty nice. I always joke I paint houses and astronauts, so like, the human form, and then a tonne of astronaut pieces, I think, you know, and the astronauts are our modern modern day Explorer. And service is a great metaphor for, like the struggles of life and exploring yourself. And it's been so cool to see space become popular and pop culture. Again, because of the privatisation of the space industry and SpaceX and Ilan Musk, it happened to kind of coincide with when my art career was starting. So I kind of was lucky in that way that people were really identifying with what I create, which is insane, because I thought it was super weird. And that really no one would be interested. Well, I

Lorena  02:30

know you are, you know, you do our basil, and you're in all of the art festivals and your pieces that are I think even all over Europe. So you are an international artists, my friend, I'm very, very proud of you. But I know in talking to you as well, you did not start as an artist, like you said you it wasn't even something that you were thinking about. And I know over, I think it was I don't know, maybe three, four years ago when I first heard your story, and I had to take a step back. And I just couldn't believe the strength that you have had. And you are quite young you are and you are a force to be reckoned with. And I just I'm inspired and I can't wait for everybody to hear the pieces of your story that you want to share. So, off to you. 

Dianne Portwood  03:31

Well, thank you so much. And I think um yeah, I guess I can do you know, like an overview of kind of what got me to the freelance artists thing. It's a bit of a roller coaster. So I'll go through that. And then I think probably what I really want to talk about today is this past year, kind of some changes I've made in my personal life that have really allowed my career to take off this is by by far than like the biggest fastest growth I've had in anything. Um, so yeah, I guess I guess we can get started with that. And um, yeah, so I grew up all over like this southeast us I got into riding horses at a very young age both my parents came from like farming communities and Montana and Wyoming and moved to big cities to get away from that and then of course, I was obsessed with you know, that the farm lifestyle horses is drawn back to that. And I competed all over the US I wrote for the US and the Junior Olympics twice, I won team gold once and individual gold once doing that. I went to a magnet programme so I can graduate high school early, um, so that I can pursue doing that professionally. I really wanted to own my own farm run my own training programme and the ultimate goal is to get to the Olympics. And so I moved out when I was 16 and moved and worked in Ocala, Florida. And I worked for Kyle Carter, who wrote for Canada and then 2008 Olympics. And it was gruelling work. I really attribute that time in my life to the work ethic that has allowed my art career to take off. I'm just baling hay mostoles, you're working from 6am till sundown?

05:26

quite glad, yes,

Dianne Portwood  05:27

not, it's very different from the Salford artists lifestyle. And that was going so well. And that was really what I thought I was going to do with my life at the same time I was in school for engineering, um, and I was balancing everything and it was stressful, but it was going well. And unfortunately, in 2016, I was in a really bad accident where a horse reared up and then fell over sideways on top of my right leg, and it ended up fracturing male three and a half, four and severing my hip flexor. And it completely end in my writing career. So I, I just didn't have the bodily control after that to ride at the level I was and I was, you know, told that I was never going to walk normally again, um, that I was always going to have like muscle atrophy issues, all these things that, you know, obviously I've overcome it at this point. But it was really rough. I'm going from riding at an Olympic level and being an Olympic level athlete to, you know, not even being able to really take care of myself. Um,

Lorena  06:42

and how, how, how emotional it gets it just you have to you have to be so emotionally strong to pull yourself out of that. I mean, your your life dreams, what you thought, and you were so close to achieving, you know, Olympian, that's how many people want to be Olympians. You know, that must have been a feat on its own. Yeah, I

Dianne Portwood  07:08

mean, I'd put so much work into it. And I had, and I still have this issue do I get so like tunnel vision, if I have a goal, like I'm gonna make it happen, and for that to get ripped out, from underneath me at such a young as 19 I'm at such a young age, it was really hard. And honestly, at that point, I wouldn't say I was emotionally strong, I think I became really numb, I just shut down completely. And since then, I've been working hard to undo that. Um, and that's something I really think I really figured out this year in particular, um, that, yeah, that that time in my life, that's when I really turned to art. I had always done that as a stress reliever as a hobby. But it became really cathartic for me to just be able to get that the emotions that I did allow myself to feel out. And it's something where, again, it was a kind of a lucky happenstance, a lot of people in the equestrian community are also art collectors. And so I had a client base there already, and it started taking off. And at that point, I really focus everything on the art, I ended up dropping out of school, to focus on my own health and art thing. And

Lorena  08:25

So were you able to so you weren't really able to walk or ride really, when, when this happened? How long did it take you to get back on your feet, if you will? Physically, like actually physically?

Dianne Portwood  08:42

Yeah, and, and I was pulled out or have nerve issues and balance issues, and I still have like, a tiny, limp, especially in heels, but it's barely there. And I like I do Jiu Jitsu I wait, I power lift, like I do. Everything, everything.

Lorena  09:01

And that's, that's so inspiring. 

Dianne Portwood  09:04

mean, it helps me stay motivated. Because like, if I ever don't want to go to the gym today, or I'm feeling tired of being sore, it's like such a privilege to be able to do all of those things that that you actually know what it is not to be able to do it. I don't that's my role. I don't get to complain, like, Oh, I don't have time. I don't have time for my fitness or I'm too tired today or whatever. Like, I get to the gym no matter what.

Lorena  09:32

that's, that's amazing. So you turn to art as a way to heal. You know, a little bit of that emotional pain of not being able to do what you love that at the time, which was writing and

Dianne Portwood  09:45

I mean, the big thing too, was like I kept having health complications. And I think it's a really scary thing to basically especially that young to have to acknowledge your own mortality in that way. Like I really didn't know if I was going to be okay for a long time. Um, and at that point, it kind of like, when you're struggling with that, and I'm such, I'm like independent to a fault, I have a really hard time asking for help, and I didn't ask for help from my family or friends is something I really struggled with on my own. And the whole reason you have and build these friendships is so that you can all lean on each other. And it's this reciprocal thing. And I just can't, I guess I was so scared of being a burden that I went through a lot of this completely by myself. And the big lesson I had to take away from that is that I made that situation so much worse on myself, like it didn't have the struggle didn't have to be so bad, I made it much worse than it used to be by just not reaching out. Um, and that's something like, to this day, I want to be that friend of that person, that partner that is always there, like with a helping hand for the people that are important in my life, because I don't ever, I think it can be really hard to ask for help. And sometimes all you need is someone to offer. And like, to me, it's so important to be that person in the friend group. That was my big

Lorena  11:06

to offer and to accept that learn to accept it, when, when it's offered. And I know, I know you and you know, I've kind of followed you through the years. And I know you're always there. Your house is always open for a friend. And you're just that you're just that giving person because I guess at one point, you weren't the one that was taking.

11:30

It was all

Dianne Portwood  11:31

good. I know. And a lot of my friends are the same way. Or they have trouble asking for help. And then sometimes you just have to be that friend that's like, no, you're gonna let me help. You don't have to ask. I'll just be Yeah, um, I think that's so important. And I think part of it too, is like, you have to learn that sometimes you're going to be the vulnerable one and one to help. And sometimes that's not reciprocated, and learning to be kind of anti fragile in that way where you're doing it for yourself, not for the reciprocation is so important to it just like find fulfilment in being that person not from the reaction is that yes. Yeah,

Lorena  12:14

yeah. I'm also thinking how difficult that must have been, like you said, it must be difficult to understand. You're both being you're being yourself at that young age. I mean, as a woman, I would imagine that it's difficult because you know, your yearning, your years that you want to go out, you want to go to a bar, you want to get dressed up, and you know, you can't you can't do all of those things. It must have been life, life's changing, in a way, in so many ways, I

Dianne Portwood  12:48

guess a lot because I was trying to do so many things before I got injured. I was going to school full time, I was working full time I was trying to get on the Olympic team. Like it was so much that I always joke like, I was really feral before I got hurt because I didn't socialise myself. I know, socially, I operated in like my job. And that was it. I didn't have like any friends. I yeah. And going through that experience, it makes you realise, like, it's cliche, but you're like, Oh my god, that all the things I didn't do, like, I didn't you have regrets of like, what you didn't say and in. And my whole thing after that was like, Okay, I need to actually find some sort of work life balance, and, you know, experience these things and make connections. You know, I hadn't even dated like, I hadn't even like, kissed a guy before that, like, I started dating when I was 20. Um, which is really late to get in the game here like real behind the eight ball there. And that was that was a trip in and of itself was like learning to navigate that when, you know, you kind of are indoctrinated into that and like middle school, high school, like you learn the ropes. And I went in, like, completely blind, like, what is go and then I moved to South Florida when I was 21 and had to deal with the dating scene here. It was like, so Good luck with that. Um,

Lorena  14:16

so. Okay, so you were so you've got to painting because of your injury, which, you know, you're now you're now like, you're doing super amazing. So how did that how did you actually get your business started? You were you were going to school for engineering. You weren't.

Dianne Portwood  14:35

I mean, I was managing farms after I got hurt as well. So what I would do essentially, is I had all these paintings and I was selling some online, but at that point, obviously I didn't have like the social media following or anything. So I would work and manage farms during the week. And on Friday night, I would drive down to South Puerto for hours. I would set up a table which is I became like, I would save up money, and then I bought a tent and I could pay for 10 spaces and save that money I could, you know, from like the few art sales I was making, and then I could get a nicer display kind of slowly working up. Um, and every weekend, yeah, I would drive down Friday night, and I would display anywhere that would let me display in South Florida, from Friday through Sunday at midnight, and I would drive before hours back home, I would get home to make an op at four in the morning and I'd start my 6am shift on Monday. I do that every weekend for like two years, and then slowly started saving money so I could have plays and make more art. And I'm fine. Finally, after two years of that, I took the leap and moved down south Florida. And but it was basically like, I've got to make this work. And I think I can I'm gonna do this. And it took off from there. That was the big turning point. Because then obviously, I was focusing on a full time and I was living down here where the art scene is huge. And as far as like South Florida's is an expensive place to live, but compared to other art hosts like la New York, the cost of living here is fairly low. Um, and so I was able to put myself in a giant art scene. Um, and just, it's been like, non stop work ever since. And, you know, before COVID I was doing like four or five art shows every weekend and commissions and everything. So just as much work as I possibly put into it, I put into it.

Lorena  16:35

How did you so I just think, you know, the the driving down for hours every weekend, that is mops and good for you for doing it because it shows your determination. Like you said, you know, tunnel vision, you're gonna make it happen. And you do and and that is to me, that's, that's amazing. But But I think the scary part is not the driving down because you knew you would get back home and you had whatever, even though you didn't have a big social scene at home, your home is home and home is comfort. So I can only imagine a must have been slightly scary to take the leap and just say I'm moving but or was it or did you just know it

Dianne Portwood  17:22

I kind of I was terrified to move down here like away from my friends that you know, supported me through his injury and like helped me started start to socialise. And like you're moving from a very small town to South Florida, which is its own monster, like I still, like I haven't fully Yeah, the South Florida scene, especially so young. Um, and I was warned about this before moving down here, but it's like easy to get mixed up with the wrong crowd and get too into the party scene and kind of lose focus on on what you're here for.

Lorena  17:58

I've been in Florida for like 25 years, and I still am not acclimated to the south Florida scene.

Dianne Portwood  18:06

But the scene is also what makes it easy to kind of sell art here too. So it's a it's a double edged sword, and you're constantly like in the party lifestyle, hosting these art events. So it can be really easy to get mixed up in that, um, I am antisocial enough that I think I had a probably easier time than most people my age would like not getting mixed up and that and kind of losing this. Um, but yeah, it was it was hard and it was hard to make friends. You're not in school like jujitsu did help me make friends. The community there is is really awesome. But it did take me a good I think year and a half to settle in here and like create a really good friend group that I trusted, but now it's it's a whole community and I host dinner parties and I try to like introduce friends to each other that like the art and jujitsu people that would never meet had. 

Lorena  19:05

So so when you move down here, and you were all by yourself? what was the hardest thing? 

Dianne Portwood  19:16

I really struggled with, um, I guess like social anxiety. I'm actually a pretty social person, but I like being social with people I already know I like being so fluid and meeting new people feel a part in it. And it was just incredibly lonely. Um, I that was the biggest thing. I think anyone that's in like the entrepreneur or artists space or startup space, you're you have a screw loose. First of all, if you want to do that, I think there's no denying that because it's a bit of a masochistic lifestyle, especially the art thing because basically, you know, you're gonna pour your heart into these pieces and, you know, 50% of the population is going to be like, oh, That shit. Like, I can't do that. And it can just especially because I work from home, it can be just really isolating. And that's something I really struggled with down here. And everyone My age is kind of just going on and partying. And it was hard to find people that that weren't doing that, because I had no interest in doing that really. Um, and yeah,

Lorena  20:28

but did that actually, but do you feel maybe that actually helped to, like focus you to, to to launch your career, even faster, like expedited, if you did,

Dianne Portwood  20:40

the thing that got to me though, is I'm a workaholic anyway. And then when you're that isolated, it's really easy to get completely off kilter with a with a work life balance. And that's so important because the quality of your work suffers. And so finding that balance has really been a struggle since I moved here. And it's something I feel like I've only just found this year. I mean, it and it's something that I think I'll always struggle with the I one thing I always kind of think about is extraordinary results require extraordinary behaviour. Um, and if you're operating outside of the norm, you're just automatically just, it's a numbers game, you're going to have a harder time finding really close friends dating, because there's just going to be less people that really are interested in, in getting to know you, just because you're gonna be a little out there. I mean, I'm a freelance artist, of course, I'm a little out there, that's kind of how it is. Um, and the thing is, it does, the quality of friendships you have or even though maybe there's not a lot of them are so much higher, when you kind of learn and focus on like, developing yourself and learning what you're really looking for in those relationships as well. And learning not to get discouraged when you do feel lonely, because that's going to happen at anyone I talked to, like I I'm lucky in that because I'm, you know, make custom art and the people that can afford to drop 1000s of dollars on a decoration essentially are obviously very, like successful people and doing custom art for them, you get to talk essentially like this, like very personal conversation with a lot of very successful people all the time. So I'm getting like an insect, these people's minds, it's actually a really cool part of my job. Um, you know, as I try to figure out why they want this art piece, and I'm asking them questions about their life, and it's usually a very intimate conversation and that that like kind of isolated, loneliness that like all talk about at least at least a phase in their life, where they went through that. Um, so it's not something that's unique. It's not like, the tortured artist thing, or this is what makes me good at my art. Like, no, it's just part of life. And learning to deal with that and learning to be able to come out of that and be stronger and well,

Lorena  23:13

you were putting tents out there. You're getting tables, nice fans, you know, you were you were just putting you were putting yourself out there and you move down here so so let's so to back to your story. So you say you move down here and night. How did you actually how did your your artwork actually get going? How do you feel like that started? I mean, again, I mean, you went from Olympian horseback rider, engineer to just literally starting over as, as an artist that without training and, you know, how did how did you end up creating a very successful still in the making business, going out to Europe, putting yourself out there, all of those very scary things.

Dianne Portwood  24:12

That I mean, honestly, it was just saying yes to every opportunity, I know was not in my vocabulary. Like if someone wanted me to display I was there. If someone wanted me to create a painting or a mural or whatever, that I wasn't sure I was capable of doing. I said, Yes, I'll figure. I'll figure out how to do this later. Like,

24:32

always,

Dianne Portwood  24:32

I think that's important than the start of any business is you are a yes woman like no matter what you say yes to every opportunity. And a lot of them. It is a masochistic thing, because you're going to go to so many art shows where you sell zero pieces, but I cannot tell you how many emails I get weekly where it's like, Hey, I saw you with Oh, that's so amazing where to buy anything then. But I've been following you and I love your work. And I'm ready. Yeah, like it's just the momentum of building Like a name and brand recommendation, basically, um, and you know, over time, a big help, to me has been building up a social media following. On Instagram, I think that's a really useful tool for artists and it's free. It's free. So, um, I am not a huge fan of social media personally. But as far as business wise, I think it's a fantastic tool for artists. Um, a lot of my business is just online now, which is amazing. And that would be the goal in the future is to be able to only sell online and not even have to worry about doing these art shows anymore. And wherever I wanted in the middle of like rural Colorado, if I wanted to on a compound, that would be the ship art out. But yeah, I think that that was the biggest key was just saying yes to everything. And I think that applies to that's,

Lorena  25:55

I think that's really good advice. Even. And I guess, just taking the leap, taking the leap to take the drive thefour hour drive and to move across townand to not know anybody and to have the scary over not maybe not scary but lonely nights, but knowing in your heart that this is what's this is what's going to allow you to reach your dreams. So when do you think when do you think the the love and the dream changed? Obviously, obviously, the dream change when you had your accident, but when do you think the love changed from horses to art.

Dianne Portwood  26:45

I mean, really, during my recovery, like I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't physically capable of doing what I was doing anymore. And learning to use art as like, a healthy outlet, I guess. And using it as a cathartic measure that really helped me and I'm really grateful for that. I think with anything, anything you turn into a business, if you have a weird relationship, it starts off as a hobby that you love doing and then it turns into your job. And it's important to find a balance their two. Um, I think one of the biggest things that helped me learn to love doing art the way I love, like doing farm work and riding horses was seeing people identify with my art and it helped me realise that I wasn't so like weird. I guess in a way that helped with the loneliness thing, too, is like people can identify with the message you're portraying. And you're like, Okay, like I I think it's easy to say that you're alone in like, this sounds melodramatic. But the way that you suffer like that is that's a human condition. That's not a unique at all, we all go through these things, um, that I think truly uniqueness actually comes from how you handle that. And aren't really it helped me kind of grow up and realise, like, oh, like, I'm not this I for a long time, I was like, fully in tortured artist mode, where it's like, oh, this is what makes me special. And this the loneliness thing is what makes my art good. And it's silly, you don't mean those things to be a good, like entrepreneur or a good artist or anything like that. And I think a lot of artists get stuck in that or it's like, their, their trauma or their, the negative aspects about them, or are they find uniqueness and I think that's a really dangerous mindset to get in. An art really helped me realise it No, like, and you know, it's, it's, it's funny. Yes,

Lorena  29:00

you are very special first, but, but I agree, you know, it's, it's kind of like this podcast, we all go through it. We all go through so many life, heart wrenching moments, literally heart wrenching moments that just make us stop and say, I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing or my life just had to change in a, you know, my dreams have to be put on hold or changed forever. And I just have to do something and pull strength out of somewhere to get it done. So are you are you in love and happy with the turn of where your life is?

Dianne Portwood  29:51

Yeah, that honestly, this year has probably been the first time I felt like Okay, so this is This is a bit of a long story, but it you'll understand why I'm saying this in a second. Um, I've always been really, really anxious person since I was a kid. And the the injury and my kind of life pivot only made that worse because I was kind of always ready for the rug to be ripped out from underneath me again. And it's something I've really struggled with, like, instead of being excited about the future, as I was kind of terrified about what was around the corner, and like just terrible imposter syndrome, really like struggling with self confidence for a very long time. And then this year was, and this has been a long time coming I after the accident, I started back in therapy, which really helps, I think there's still it's still, um, it's more accepted, but people still think of it as something you go to if you have a condition or if you're diagnosed with something, which is not true therapy can help anyone. Um, and this year is the first time I felt like I got back in touch with my emotions, like since the accident, I feel I was very numb to things. Um, and I remember like, this was this was like, a few months ago, I saw you Hill sprints every morning. And I was doing Hill sprints alone, I normally run them with friends, but I was doing them alone. And I just had this weird, like euphoric feeling. So I have experimented with with micro dosing. I'm like, psych it like psilocybin mushrooms. And that's really helped me as well. Um, that is actually been a huge turning point for me. And as I was running the hill, and I had a feeling like, I was microdosing. I was like, this is really weird. I didn't like I didn't dose today I shouldn't. This is a weird feeling. And I realised that I was like, just feeling happy for no reason. Like, I wasn't attached anything. And I literally never felt that in my adult life before. And that was a huge that was a huge moment for me. Like, oh, this is just what that feels like. And this year, for me, it's been a huge turning point, in that it's just like, being more in touch with myself and actually, like, being happy with myself and not just like, validating, validating myself through like accomplishments. And then very bad about that in the past was my entire self esteem was like, derived from my accomplishments. Which is not good, especially like, after the accident, that what really fucked me up was like, all my accomplishments were null and void at that point. And like, learning to develop myself in other ways, besides just what I do.

Lorena  33:09

I'm a very happy for you. I think that feeling that feeling of happiness is is the best thing in the world. What do you think got you there?

Dianne Portwood  33:25

Um, so I do think I did like three years of, of therapy, which helped a lot. This year was interesting, because I actually went through a really tough breakup this summer. And it wasn't a bad breakup. It was just, I think it for the first time, I was mentally healthy enough where I could actually see a future for myself. And for a long time, after the accident, I literally couldn't imagine the future like it. I think it was a protection mechanism to because I was just scared of getting the rug ripped out from underneath me again. Like, I think people, people would say that, like one day, I'll be married and have kids and for me, it was just like a black hole. Like I couldn't even imagine. Yeah, and I was starting to, like, be able to do that. And then I met this guy and for the first time ever, in a relationship I saw not like oh my god, we're going to get married or whatever, but I saw some semblance of a future with this person that I really trusted be there. And it you know, didn't work out. Um, and I have never felt that like sadness before because I just never been in touch enough with my emotions before. And going through that I was like, just heartbroken. Like, it never happened before. And this wasn't even that long of a relationship. Um, but at the same time when I got out of like, that couple the first weeks of just like deep sorrow, I was like, how beautiful is that? That I am even experienced that I that is something I never thought I'd be healthy enough to experience in the first place. So, being grateful for that experience, I think was a huge turning point. And at the same time, it was like, it was, there's a scene in Harry Potter where they like unlock this giant door and it starts like, undoing a bunch of little locks around it that that was like the first key turn that started. The as cliche as it sounds like her heart grew to sizes, that day type thing. That experience that I'm so grateful for. Um, and then from there a big thing too, that helped me it was I started, and I think a lot of people started doing this during lockdown, I started experimenting with psychedelics. So I'm super straight edge, like, I don't drink very often, um, for an artist, I'm really boring, like, I don't really smoke weed, barely, like I and I was always kind of against drug use. in general. I'm definitely like, thought of drug use as like, Oh, it's a delinquent thing. Like, I, I'm a business owner. I know, like, this is not useful to me. Um, but I started doing a lot of research on specifically mushrooms. And they're being used in a tonne of studies for basically using them instead of antidepressants. And they're, they've been found to be much, much safer and more effective. And I was like, Okay, I think this could be me. So I did, I did. And this is I don't recommend I did a giant dose. My. Um, so like four grammes, which is a lot that's like a hero dose, what they call it. And that was an and I did it with the intention of like, really exploring myself during the trip, not to like party and see things in a funny way. Like this was very much intended, like medicinal Lee. Um, and it's like four hours of me, I was staring at a giant naked astronaut, actually.

Lorena  37:13

So you you stopped looking at your ass,

Dianne Portwood  37:16

and my roommate was what was going on? Yeah, and I was just watching this painting. And it was the best way I can describe it is in front of me, it was like dying and decaying and regrowing, which like how, like blatant of a metaphor is that for your self portrait to be doing that when you're tripping. Um, and it just led to a lot of, like, connecting the dots, a lot of things from, from the injury from my childhood, even that I hadn't fully worked through through that I needed to start doing. Um, and it really gave me like a pathway forward to like change some habits of mind and especially, especially like mental habits. So what, in particular, one thing that I remember reading this book by Eckhart Tolle, one of his, I don't really get into his work, it's a little like on the hippie dippie bullshit side for me, but one thing I did identify with was like, okay, anxious thoughts are thoughts of a future that isn't it doesn't exist, because it's the future and depressive thoughts are generally thoughts of the past that also doesn't exist anymore. Because that's Yes, you need to try to live in the now. And that sounds really cool. But you're like, Well, how do I do that? If I knew how to do that, I would just do that.  And I was like, this is, this is

Lorena  38:42

the engineer coming out.

Dianne Portwood  38:44

I was like, I need to quantify my feelings with numbers. So after that big trip, um, I was like, yeah. After that big trip, I was like, Okay, I got to figure out like, what I'm doing. So I took a sticky note with me throughout the day. And every time I had an anxious or depressive thought that lasted like, that I was aware of, I just started, like, watching my thoughts, basically observing myself kind of from as much of an outside perspective as possible. Anytime I had, like a bad thought, and that way, I would put a tally mark down. And so no, wow. Um, throughout the day, I just did that. And then I recounted the tally marks and there are almost 400 tally marks. And that was insane to realise because like, let's say, I'll do the math right. Now, let's say that each of those thoughts lasted 10 seconds, um, and you have 400 of them. So 400 times 10. Um, that's your thinking, essentially, bad thoughts. If those thoughts are only 10 seconds long, which plenty of them were good. 510 minutes long. That's 66.6 minutes a day that you're thinking negatively about yourself. So of course, I feel shitty all the time, I'm less savant and making myself feel shitty. If I do anything, every day for an hour, I'm going to be an expert at it. That was a huge wake up call for me. Um, and I just really needed to change the way I mentally worked essentially. So then what I decided to do, they decided to start micro dosing. So a, plenty of Johns Hopkins studies have shown that mushrooms really, really increase your level of neuroplasticity to that of a child, actually, so obviously, the effect is lower if you're micro dosing because you're taking less, but I was like, Okay, I'm gonna, I've been practising doing this, like being shitty to myself for 24 years, like, it's gonna be really hard to undo that. And so I used essentially, mushrooms as kind of a steroids to change my habits. And so I started micro dosing with the intention of being very aware when I kind of slipped in that bad habit of that negative thinking. And I did that for five days on three days off for about a month, and just was very aware to like, every time I had a negative thought be like, Okay, this is just my brain. Doing it's like bad habit thing. This is not who I am. Yet, when I was, like, kind of present, like running hills or hanging out with friends, I would acknowledge that and just in my head, not saying this out loud, because that would sound really crazy. And like, Oh, this is really good. Like, I need to do more of this. And obviously, I still struggle with this. But that kick started this change like that turn the key, I feel like a different person. And I haven't microdose in, like, four months now. So this is this isn't was not a temporary change. And it was not something that I only could do when I was on mushrooms, I think there's still kind of a stigma. Um, I think, obviously, that's, it's not for everyone. I would never be like, yeah, everyone, but I think I think even if what it really was

Lorena  41:58

what I what I think, you know, from hearing their story, and I, I commend you for realising how much you were putting yourself down, because I think that's the biggest problem. We don't we just live our lives in autopilot. And we say we look at the mirror, and it's like, oh, look, I'm fat, or Oh, look, I'm, I can achieve this or I didn't. Yeah, you know, I didn't do all this stuff. Because I'm not productive. Or, oh, here I am having another drink tonight, What a loser or whatever. And we say all these things, and it just comes out of our mouth, and we don't realise it. So the fact that you realise that? I think it's, it's important. And I think a lot of the people that are successful, it's because they put those negative thoughts away. And the quantifying piece, I love that you did that. I love that you did that. But, but even if you know for you, it could be mushrooms. For me, it could be sitting down and meditating. it's whatever works for you, as long as, but there has to be a moment so many different things. Like you, you know, I need to change this because I can't keep on doing it.

Dianne Portwood  43:28

Oh, my, my moment of realisation was that. So you know, I'm a pretty simple person, like, I thought I had. I thought for a long time, and I didn't think this consciously This is a subconscious thing. I was like, Okay, if I can, I want a successful business and like good friends, and I want my health to be okay. And I want like, a healthy relationship, like a romantic relationship. And I had all those things for a short time this year all at once, and I wasn't any less miserable. And so after the breakup, I realised, yeah, that's a really scary realisation is like i'd achieved everything I ever wanted, and I was still miserable. Like, I have to figure this out. That was the call. And then it was the journey with like, you know, the watching my thoughts, and using the psychedelics really helped me that helped me kind of start to turn that around. And obviously, this is very new.

Lorena  44:24

I think it's just, it's not just a natural tendency appears, I think in human natural. Now actually the tools to deal with it. And you're now one step ahead, because you realise it, and now I'm conscious of it. And now you keep a tally everyday.

Dianne Portwood  44:51

No, and it's been useful to because I've done that. I've done that again, where I've kept a tally. I don't obviously do it every day, but like every few months And I'm down from like, when I first tallied, like, around 400. The last time I tallied It was around 100, which that's a huge reduction. It's still a lot. 

Lorena  45:12

I'm going to do the exercise. I've never done that.

Dianne Portwood  45:16

I think that's insane to me. You should I think more I've never heard of anyone doing that before, because it sounds counterintuitive, because you're like, turning your feelings into numbers. But for people that are naturally analytical, and like, stray away, all of this all of this a year ago, I would have been like, this is hippie dippie bullshit, what are you talking about, like, I was not interested, you know, so having the numbers in front of it every time, every single time.

Lorena  45:49

I just, it's really all of how, of how strong and how amazing, you're really, I mean, I'm gonna go off and do a tally because I want to know, I want to be as the woke as you are. So what's next for you, I mean, obviously, you've overcome you've overcome what happened 10 years ago or not really. See, you're still You're such a baby. Um, which is amazing on its own, on its own feet, it's very recent, you have gone through so much, so much emotional pain and death in a way of your dreams and your hopes, and you've reversed yourself into this new person. And now, you know, you're successful. Now your your art is all over the place, you're selling your art to, to organisations, individuals, hotels, you know, your, what is what is next on your path.

Dianne Portwood  47:09

So, I'm really excited to see kind of where the business goes, just the growth this year, um, even with like, my own personal growth has really helped the business too, because I'm just making better decisions overall, because I'm just more aware of my thought processes. So I'm really excited to see where that goes. I've been doing way more murals, I'm super excited to do more of those in more places across the US, hopefully in other countries too. And just continuing continuing to grow the business and grow my collector base. And I have a lot of really exciting mixed media pieces in the works. That was the other thing now that I'm like more in touch with my emotions. I feel like my art is so much better to me, like, so much more fulfilling to create it because I'm actually it's more meaningful. So I'm really excited to unveil new pieces soon that like really speak to the experience I've had this year. I mean, just there's no there's no set path. Obviously I have like business and financial goals. But as far as, you know, goals for what kind of art

Lorena  48:15

some so many things. And so young. If you were to give your younger self you know, if you were to see yourself at the age of 10 again, and you were to run up to her What advice would you give her?

Dianne Portwood  48:48

maybe the numbers thing a numbers exercise is good, but no, I honestly, I'm probably be less hard on myself. I think I can be very, very, and I have been since I was a kid, and my parents are the same way. They're very like, and that's why they've done so much with their lives as well. Um, it's a blessing and a curse because it kind of forces this like, workaholic nature, but you're using that to run away from your own thoughts, basically, I think, learning 

Lorena  49:20

if you were to leave, what is your legacy way of putting a woman out there? Maybe maybe the same age as you people that want to reach their dreams? Or maybe people that lose their dreams of whatever. What would you tell them?

Dianne Portwood  49:50

Um, I think you know, the happiness in life is directly correlated with like the quality of your relationships. And so I think it's really important to invest in your friendships and, and family and partnerships and let them be there for you when when times are rough, like you can be there for them when they're when they're having a rough time. I think that's so important. And it's something I really neglected for a very long time, I think. And two people, they're afraid of getting hurt, and no one wants to be the one that's vulnerable first or cares more. And I think that's a really, really silly way to go through life. Like Learn, learn to be the one that can be vulnerable, vulnerable first, and put yourself out there and learn to be okay when maybe that's not reciprocated. Because the the relationships you can derive from living your life in that way that you wouldn't have found otherwise are worth so much more than, like, you know, the times where maybe it's not reciprocated, the, you'll, the friendships you make are so much deeper,

Lorena  50:56

I am so certain, you're going to end up being this super amazing artist, and I'll be front row to the unveiling of like the sculpture that makes you this super famous person. You know, I'm certain your strength, your power, your mental strength. And like I said, I'm always you know, I could talk to you for hours, I can't even believe we were almost up to the hour in discussion, I could talk to you forever and and get so much out of you. Um, so yeah, well, thanks. Thanks for joining for joining us, and especially for, for sharing all of those things that are really vulnerable. And that really changed your life. Yeah,

Dianne Portwood  52:01

I mean, I think more people should talk about it. We've no one talks about this stuff, because it is scary. Um, but you know, if I had heard this from someone else, maybe it was awesome. 

Lorena  52:11

if people want to buy your art, where did they go?

Dianne Portwood  52:14

They can go to my website, which is Diane Portwood arts.